Music is the only time machine we have

A letter to my yesterday self — please comeback & find me

Dear Fahad I hope you’re doing fine, even if you’re not, it’s been seven years, I miss you, it’s been so long that you’re gone and never looked back at me, you’ stopped “living a life in you, no matter how many times you lie to me, I always knew you’re an alive — dead soul living inside a body which seems to be real and alive for people yet you can only smile, your life is like puzzle apart from which can only be solved when someone like you meet your broken parts of you — in you.

with your drenched heart you left the doors open of your home, hoping that someone someday made into it to save you, but today you’re scared of people-fearing that they may crush your little beautiful toys scattered on floor by walking on them — in your home, the only toys you were left with, which only used to make you feel alive once. Do you want to know what ‘toys’ i’m talking about ?

my little beautiful broken toys are — happiness, feelings, care and love

And today when you go back to see your broken toys, your eyes filled with tears, your heart filled with questions and your lips get taste of being ‘alive once’ and you get hurt badly — don’t you?

what are these tears for fahad? don’t cry — your eyes don’t have voice to tell people they don’t wanna cry anymore.

Don’t you know you need to show people otherwise who would see your eyes? because the only last thing your eyes missing is happiness

in trying to protect someone, you got yourself killed — little fahad ✨

someone sets you apart? and now you’re just sitting in the corner of heart tryin putting together all of your precious moments and broken parts to tape them in one picture with broken hands, your shivering hands uncontrollably struggle to put them back together — I ask you Fahad, will you ever be able to speak your heart instead of your voice? will you ever be able to find someone who can listen to your ‘voice’ without even hearing it? will you ever be able to find someone who can remove your heart’s stitches without even hurting it? will you ever be able to be with someone who can find your scars and broken ribs the most beautiful part in you and love them to the fullest? will you ever be able to repair yourself? will you ever be able to open the doors of your disgusting soul that bleeds poison every second for your seeds to grow the flowers for others — I ask you fahad it’s been too long, you never look at me — look at me Fahad, don’t hide — it’s me your past, you should stop hiding from me, you need to paint the wounds with your bleeding heart in order to catch someones stare at your painting, so they can just pause their life for a moment to just admire, your efforts that bleeds for happiness every second that screams for help every moment, so you wish that anyone just hold it and put it somewhere it deserve to be, but pains kept cause soaking your blood turn into black faded dry jarring dust, that no one seems to want to touch, but you know the day it fades completely, people will just throw it off, without even hearing it story — forgetting all your letters

every moment — i heard you gave up on your dreams

ever feel like you can’t breath? does this water feel too deep? ever awake cause you can’t sleep? ever feel like you’re alone, when you’re lost but you already gone, die awake because you can’t dream, it’s gonna be alright i’m gonna leave you here tonight with your words to dive inside, but you love the way how you let everyone buried you and your words inside, ever feel like it’s gonna take forever? ever feel like it’s too much? do you feel like you’re not enough anymore? when you feel like it’s gonna take forever, I swear, i know what it’s like — to feel alone in the end of the night.

what happened to you?

can nobody ever ask you? can nobody ever hold your scars and says you’re beautiful my world?

‘remember you were once known as a smiling kid’

I told you I need you, I told you I want you back, but you left me all alone in this corner where only pains and tortures from past come to knock my door and i’ve to open it for sure. why did you do this to me, look at me fahad, I’m not happy with where you left me, look at me fahad I screamed for help with silence? can nobody ever bother to listen to your broken voice, where your silence is loud as your heart, but ‘voice’ without noise — remember you used to dream many dreams, remember you used to be happy once, where are you fahad, should i stop screaming your name?

how broken your voice is today, any heart who’s there listening to it can be your blessing, but sadly — no one is here for you

you broke my heart with even knowing it Fahad — i loved you more than anything even with your scars you’re not proud of anymore, so why not to come back to me for one last time, we can make it through together alone?

tell me i love you. tell me i will be there for you always no matter what you say, tell me that you will not let yourself hurt you anymore — ‘‘promise’’

bullets stuck in my soul

I’m going back to the start to start something I left alone there shouting for help to get discover at the very beginning, people say that past doesn’t matter but little do they all know, the past always connect us somewhere in our present and upcoming future life, I always wanted to write something to myself somewhere, where I can come back to collect some strength from my own words, maybe this world is a cruel place to live, but little do they all know, even if this was the only truth about the world, then Allah would never make one. but it’s here — apart from my past, it was never easy to be where I’m today, still surrounded by something which bleeds poison inside me, which i always failed to pull out from my veins, making me realize that it’s just part of myself that’s need to be there in me to be alive as an hollow — remember Fahad you was just a normal smiling kid when you got to meet pain in different faces, in different moments.

I find peace by writing and saying to myself, because no one would ever listen to me like i listen to myself— fahad

your only untouched dream

when life gives you hundred reasons to cry, show life that you’ve one reason to smile and the one is more than hundred

you’re something Allah admires above the sky and you’re chosen by Allah to be something everyone can see but not able to touch just like the sky and few chosen to travel in you — your faith ✴︎

Promise to have faith that, Allah will turn all painful moments in happiest chapters one day one night, so say gracias to whatever you been through — your past, present and future is already written so not to worry about anything, remember only life can able to tell you what is life without a life, you’ve come this far winning or losing many unheard battles, i’m glad you’re still somewhere alive in your broken parts that no one seems — to appreciate ✴︎

Dear Fahad — give your tears time

your disgusting soul is something still beautiful underneath your tears which shed deep scars to fill the hollowness inside you, your soul become something very hazy but you took so long to find words to explain the unexplained — and all those scary nights of fears remain left alive in you still somewhere — your mouth left opened for words of pain but only able to reveal silence — yet you choose to smile and flowers happiness for others and you’re just sitting in this corner saying yourself to just give-up and stop trying, because you know no one knows what it’s like to be you.

you saw the storm coming in you and still you lied to your heart to stay calm and blind, cause you’re left with some faith still — that the one will hold your hands someday

Past — you look at your broken parts and try to put them together but now you don’t even have strength to even look at them now — you were happy once living without worries and fears, look what happened to you now, if pain can teach you it can also make you disappear somewhere in you — sooner or later you don’t wanna miss you anymore but why there is a hope still living inside you when you can’t even fight your own tears and yeah you bleeds something which no one else yet ready to taste — you don’t want anyone?

my loveless love, you just want to know who you really are — i’m sorry i made you bleed so much more than people could ever able to see, I’m sorry you bleed so many worst nights just because of me.

Isn’t it lovely today you’re sitting in the corner and all you want is just to stay silent, telling your all broken toys pieces welcome back home — you’ve done very well, all alone you’re fighting for others to make them see a bright day so just maybe they would able to see your worst nights, why like that Fahad? can no one love you like you love them or just you just don’t want them anymore to love you

medicines & bandages

now you’re trying swallow your painful time inside you so no one can see them in you, but you’re struggling and i can see, you don’t want to but you’ve to just like medicines in your childhood but little do you remember, you used to take medicines without even saying anything —looking at your eyes makes me cry that how can no one yet made into them to soak it all and replace all tears with happiness, who are you ? or are you something who is still stuck in a door of past ringing bells so pains can once again open the doors? you wanna runaway runaway somewhere far from all, i just wish you were special for someone and now looking at you won’t make me feel any special for anyone fearing of being left like you without a soul, without a word.

if you ever love again i know you’ll love the most and most to the fullest of your heart with the care no one ever able to give birth in love, as marks on your body always reminds you the depth of your love through unstitched scars left on your beautiful heart

Don’t — leave me Fahad, stay here one more time, believe in me one last time, i need you by my side just for one last time, it tears my eyes up when i can’t see your around so stay here with me, near me and i know you’re weak to even be there for me but i know you can do it one day some day — i’m sorry

Dear Fahad suicide doesn’t stop the pain, It gives it to your family

I will never accept that you’re gone for your life — you are the one who fought for something that you failed to portray in some eyes, but don’t give up on your life just because of few eyes that were never able to see the beauty of being with you — 2016

consider your life as a train and pains and happiness as people, now will you stop your life if one of them leave or come inside your train? remember you’ve to keep going no matter what and if you stopped the train, you’ll never able to reach your destiny — Feddi Ghani

Music is the only time machine we have to go back in time and supplication to Allah is the only time machine we have to go forwards in future — Feddi Ghani

I just want to go back in time, the future seems so bullet into my soul which stuck a mile away in name of presence and i’m not ready to get shot — fahad

A letter for a stranger

I’m feeling pain so without a doubt, I can feel the cause for we are who we are when no one’s watching, and right from the start you know I got you and I lost you, the beautiful thing about this is we always lost the one who was never written for us, the most perfect thing from Allah for us, the pain becomes your blessing someday and when you look back, you smile at it with tears holding back in your eyes, Allah written what’s yours but always remember not to lose the one who is written and so how to know that if a person is really written for you, it simple when there are storms and darkness you’ll find that person beside you and with you — holding you back without a doubt.

never ignore their efforts they put in for your goodness, if you do ignore, they might become painful astray for them some day where they just put one after one ashes of kill-ness from you, the same ashes of plucked pain they got from you, the one who put the effort in you for your good will be the one who’s yours, so don’t lose em, the paths may not be beautiful but destiny will be surely a blessing trust me, never hurt anyone to the point where their mind become a hall of disturbing word-less thoughts, a river of unshed tears, a storm unfixed heart, and a sea of endive pains, remember you’ve to stop and think about them too, maybe they’re trying somewhere with so many way that somehow you may able to see, just don’t slap them with a word that you always shout you always speak bad for me, maybe they themselves are draining into something which they unable to explain, so hear them out, before praying for them hear them out maybe they will take longer to express, but they will — cause of trying, never throw reflection of their words on them just because you’re in pain too, their words meant so many meaning more than just one word, hear them out before it’s too late.

maybe they are finishing inside and maybe they hesitate and keep becoming aggressive to ask for help, because they were the one who use to help out once, now it just your time to help, so here’s a moral

if you love someone, love till end of your life and after, no matter how many problems, fights and leaving chapters are there between, but stay with them this is who-who’s written for you not the one who left you off with saying you’re no more the one I used to love. you’re not the same, this is just another way of showing that they were never for you at first place, so it’s okay to be hurt on them, but try to heal yourself by remembering Allah or at least faith, he’s watching, — Help me out, don’t let me die.
I could learn from you, I could love from you — I could live

so know the one, who’s written for you will wait for you always forever ✨

if you’re reading it today know that you made into me somewhere. (stranger)

don’t pluck out pains from their heart and give them back as a flower

— Feddi Ghani

and I grabbed my pen to write my misery, but my pen cried before my eyes did — For sake of my pains leave me alone.. and when I grabbed my again pen to write my mystery, but my pen said it’s impossible before my heart did — unfolding past — Feddi Ghani

And my heart says let’s not write what’s not unwritten but written already, every time I hold this pen to pull out what shouldn’t written.

— Feddi Ghani

and before my finger lies to the pain my hands shivers down to not write what my heart endure impossibly. to not be so toxic even for your own past, that you try to explain what it was for you. remember you surrounded by your mistakes not lies. maybe I was wrong and you were right. loving broken makes you broken but a dull Jewelry so a false so a true.

and I lose nothing until I have myself holding back my own hands.

“unheard voices book — contain 52 chapters and 162 break headings”