Journey of faith

“ If he is an artist, he will be compelled to make sacrifices which worldly people find absurd and unnecessary. In following the inner light he will inevitably choose poverty. And, if he has in him the makings of a great artist, he may renounce everything, even his art.”

— Henry Miller

the one we love the most hurts the most

It hurts me to see you are doing what is slowly but entirely finishing me so I have to be someone who can see no pain in anything even if it remained lie. I never knew It can be this hard to be where I am today. I don’t even know how to start or where to start my life again because you took the best part of my life from me and now I’m here waiting for hopes to call expectations to get hurt once again or maybe It was only your hands who carries all strength to shower us with light but little do we both know one of us remain stubborn till my all pieces will fades into ashes. I am hoping no good or bad life to anyone anymore but it hurts the most when a person who know you the deepest left the deepest scars on mind and heart. I don’t expect me to be fine any sooner but I will try my best to remain humble towards life. I am taking decisions and there is still no decision where you are no where in me for me. I pray to Allah to enlighten your heart with truths and feelings I always wanted to show you without showing because I am so much damaged to show you such feelings in words. because to me my words failed in front of you or maybe It is only you who don’t wanna hear anymore. I always have this one thing in my mind that if someone loves you they will stop doing what hurts you and they will stay with you at any cost. my love was real and even yours but where do we go wrong? have you figured it yet or do you even have time for it today? a little tear drop ouch. my words fears to come in front of you because it always anger or hate and misunderstanding coming from your mouth which only left me silent. the way you throw me away. ask yourself when I did the same? or will you make me believe I did worse than you? see It was never comparison or race but who is standing with who is clear today even hearts hoping what is right and wrong but only Allah knows what are we doing. my heart is no more a place where I want myself happy for any reason. even if you wish to make me happy tell me then why are you doing those things that are hurting me. It was never easy for me to accept such big changes in us and especially you. I’m struggling a lot inside and outside to be brave to ignore what makes me feel the smallest. Have you ever come to know why is that? or do you even give a damn about how it is hurting my days and nights. It’s been year and It’s march I can’t see same things on repeat and same requests on embedded for ashes. You could save me but you choose to have what you think good for you. there is no bad thing in it I guess but I now want to learn the same thing somehow. Believe me my eyes are red right now and I have only one word for you It is so hard for me and I’m struggling to accept what is finishing me. You could show me softness instead of this hardness. I pray to Allah to enlighten your heart for what is happening to me. because no one fakes depression no one fakes pain no one fakes struggle and when I say you hurts It means you did, you don’t have to decide if you did or not. little do you know I always wanted to be with you at any cost. you heard it right but what was your last message. hurts badly to my core. I don’t want to hurt or thank you for anything anymore. Just wanted to say last time that.

I am struggling so much and I don’t know how to be okay anymore, when I look at things that you’re doing I get more damage and hurt bad and ended up crying and blaming my heart whole night. It’s been so long that I’m trying to tell you to not to do those things but now I feel like I’m a true failure and this makes me feel so bad and lowest as possible I can ever. but what hurts the most is that you are not here anymore to even see I’m struggling because of you. I’m no good at pretending maybe we both know this and yes I’m hurting so much right now and you are just not here to even listen. so I hope this makes you smile because reading this won’t ever make you cry anymore.

— message to read in pain to delete in smile to vanish with laugh.

something from my deepest heart for you

watching you smile hurts.

watching you laugh damages.

for me there is no replacement of you.

and there will be never I know.

I can never leave but welcome for doing what my heart cannot accept.

I have no longer ability to say anything that hurts anyone.

so with a broken smile and filled eyes — take care